Note: This was written at 2AM, December 11th. I had been playing the piano (with headphones) in only the light of the Christmas tree when the urge to write was so strong, I forced myself to just start typing. It’s a nothing piece but everything at the same time.
I can generally categorize any writer’s block I experience in two ways:
a) The flesh is willing, but the spirit is weak. – When the deadline is fast-approaching or I’m assigned a topic I really have no interest in, my obligation to write and the stress of meeting the task suppresses my creativity. I sit, poised to type, but the words just won’t come.
b) The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. – This is how I describe what happens when the drive to write is present, but I can’t organize my thoughts well enough to get it out. At the root, it’s my own perfectionism that won’t allow me to start putting words together. I know I need to get out of the way, but I am frozen.
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, even for myself. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say; rather, I’ve had too much to say and haven’t been able to narrow down any thoughts or topics in an intelligible delivery. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I’ve been processing without writing. What’s odd is I didn’t think I could make sense of anything without writing. On the contrary, I’ve been more quiet overall which has freed me to listen, read/study, and pray more. And I am verbally processing some with a select group of people who I know will love me even when I’m not making any sense.
I’ve been suffering from the latter type of writer’s block for several months, but the drive to write is starting to overwhelm me. There is definitely a pull. I’ve got hundreds of stories and essays holding surface tension like a glass full of water; but like water, it’s hard to pour out just the right amount without making a mess in the process.
Not only have I wanted to avoid making a mess all over the internet, I’ve learned to value being quiet. I’m actually heeding my own advice and taking some breathing room. But I’m getting close. Maybe this little nothing post will be the breakthrough I need to organize my thoughts and decide what and how to share. We shall see. I miss this. I miss you.