The Party Bus & The Pee

My husband’s department from work rented a “limo bus” (a.k.a., a party bus) for an evening last weekend to look at Christmas lights. My sister-in-law also works there so she and her husband joined in the fun. As we waited for everyone to load the bus, I noticed my brother-in-law step out of the restroom at the very back. Relieved because I have the smallest bladder humanly possible, I thought, “Oh, fantastic! I’m going to need that later!”

Everyone eventually loaded the bus and in no time I was hoarse from laughing. After a few drinks, as expected, I was forced to take on the challenge of using the toilet on the moving bus (on snow-covered roads, no less). Imagine using the bathroom on an airplane during the worst turbulence you’ve ever experienced. Luckily, my brother-in-law was sitting just outside the door so I made him hold the door shut to ensure I wouldn’t come tumbling out with my pants around my knees at any point.

Within seconds of shutting the door, my phone tumbled out of my back pocket and landed directly in the toilet. I stood there silently and motionless, bracing myself on two walls of the bathroom for a second. I stared at my phone in the toilet with my mouth wide open, then a string of colorful phrases suddenly reverberated through the closed door and out into the bus filled with my husband’s subordinates. Needless to say, everyone knew what had happened. I fished the phone out of the toilet, threw it on the floor, sanitized my hands, then proceeded with my business. I wrapped my phone until it was covered in a quarter-inch of toilet paper, sanitized my hands again (and again and again) and swore all the way back to my seat wondering what I was going to do and wanting nothing more than to take a shower that very minute.

Thankfully, one of my husband’s coworkers had brought a bag of Clorox wipes, Lysol spray, paper towels, and a bottle of hand sanitizer she had received at their office white elephant gift exchange. Thank God! I scrubbed away at my phone (which is waterproof, by the way) with a dozen wipes and got it as clean as I could. Finally, I laid it on the seat, then turned toward my brother-in-law at the opposite end of the bus and asked loud enough for him and everyone else to hear, “OK, now how do you flush that toilet?” He looked right at me with a huge grin and said, “I don’t know!” to which I yelled back, “You mean I just dropped my phone in your pee?” I was livid. The bus erupted in a collective, “OH! Gross!” and filled with unbridled laughter. My husband instinctively scooted away from me about 12 inches, put his hand out and said, “Don’t touch me!” The next thing I remember is standing at the back of the bus pounding on my brother-in-law’s back (lovingly?) as he covered his head with his hands and curled up toward the corner of the seats, laughing hysterically.

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